Many of my executive coaching clients hire me because they understand the value of relationship building and want to increase their capacity to have influence and reach in their organizations.  Many of these managers and executives are already quite influential in their role, but recognize the importance of continuing to develop and hone their interpersonal skills. 

One of the most effective ways to get better at relationships is to increase your emotional intelligence, (EI.)  This term has been bandied about in organizations and popular culture quite a lot ever since Daniel Goleman’s bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ, was published in 1995.  While most OD and HR professionals now agree that emotional intelligence is an important if not vital leadership trait, teaching EI to leaders still remains somewhat elusive.  I believe this is because most of the literature and training still focuses on emotional intelligence from a cognitive rather than an emotional frame.  In my own life, I have learned little about my own emotional response or the emotions of others from books.  Most of us don’t learn that way.  Children are a great example of this. 

As I’ve observed my own kids learn how to navigate relationships, I notice that most of what they learn, they learn on the playground in their interactions with friends.  (Hopefully, they also learn something from how we interact with them when they are experiencing strong emotions.)   As adults, we often self manage by dialing our emotions down – we marginalize our feelings as irrational and therefore unimportant. Or, we attempt to suppress negative emotions in order to cope in an already stressful world.  Ironically all of this marginalization and suppression eventually has a cost in terms of more stress and an ignorance of how we are actually feeling moment to moment.  

It can feel risky, not to mention unproductive, to experiment with our own or others emotions as an adult.  Here are a few safe ways to tap into your emotional awareness. These exercises are effective, and dare I say fun, ways to expand your EI. 

Journal writing  - take time each day to write about what you are thinking about and how you are feeling. Journal writing not only increases self awareness, it’s a great stress reliever and outlet for getting in touch with what’s most important to you, what drives you, even what bothers you.  By creating a dialogue with yourself, you can begin to see patterns of thought and feelings that help and hinder you in achieving what you want in your life. 

TV watching -  Throughout history the arts have played an important role in exploring self expression and emotion.  And while we can argue whether TV is an art form, it is an easy access point for accessing both drama and comedy.  The next time you are watching your favorite show, whether it’s Grey’s Anatomy or CSI,  observe the emotions being expressed by the actors, the emotional field being created by two or more characters.  See if you can identify their emotions and what they are trying to express beyond the words being spoken. 

Music -  Music is another art form that can evoke strong and powerful feelings.  We don’t often recognize that we listen to music to have an emotional experience. So, whether you like Beethoven or the Bodeens, the next time you are listening to music, play closer attention to the emotions the music evokes in you. 

Mindfulness Practice – The simple act of pausing in your day, taking a deep breath and focusing your awareness on your physical state can be a practice in increasing emotional awareness. Where do you hold tension in your body?  What is your emotional state in this moment?  Apathy? Sadness? Excitement?  So many of us go through the day fighting or avoiding how we feel.  The simple act of observing and experiencing our emotions in real time can be a powerful and enlightening exercise. 

These are just a few ideas; there are many more!  For now I simply want you to know the benefits of spending more time being with and exploring your emotions can have a huge impact on your career and your ability to navigate your own and others emotions at work.  More importantly, EI can help you have a more peaceful and fulfilling life.